Procrastinating now, don’t put it off
I’ve been blaming nearly everyone from God to my father for everything wrong with my life, but honestly, i share a vast majority of it. You see, I’m, down to the core, lazy. Lazy with no drive. When I told my best friend my plan, he immediately replied, “Knowing you, after a week or so, you’ll stop studying and go back to the same ol’ same ol’”. I vehemently denied that, but he’s right. One month after deciding to retake STPM, I studied precisely one chapter of History and a quarter a chapter for Calculus.
I was completely free. No job. No money to go out. My TV was out. My computer was spoilt. Yet I found the time to do nothing while I have something worthwhile to do.
And not only with procrastination but also drive. One day after I started my diet-exercise program, I stopped. That is the nadir of my existence - one day. And I stopped for the stupidest of reasons (I woke up late, didn’t feel like proceeding on). Sure, I would kill to become slim, but lacking anyone or anything to kill, bah - what’s the point.
And every time I resolve to change my habits and change my lifestyle, I put it off, “Bah, I’ll start next Monday” or “Bah, I’ll start next month”. Approaching the finish lines I put for my self, I move the goal posts further back and back. I mean, if I had any semblance of discipline and drive, I would be slim and muscular by 16.
And I make the silliest of excuses for my infractions. “Oh, I have gynecomastia, I wanted to get rid of it, but failing, I couldn’t be bothered” or “This year is exams year, I should study instead of going to the gym”. I once signed up for Fitness First, a mid-range, rather-expensive-for-my-family, gym in my neighbourhood. The first month, I went for only three times. The second, third, fourth and fifth months were better, but only slightly - once or twice a week when I planned six isn’t good enough and certainly not worth the money spent.
I quit after the fifth month (and because of my contract, that means I was officially part of a gym for 6 months). Earlier on, I joined a community gym with a trainer. I ignored most of his dietary advice and missed most of my sessions. While everyone else who joined around the same time as me when from literal strength to strength, I remained a tub of lard with minor improvements.
I keep on making promises with myself and breaking them to the point I no longer trust myself. I tried every trick - plan ahead (bah, didn’t work), organize (bah, didn’t work), put pictures of your goals on your walls (didn’t work too), put pictures of your fat self on your walls (doesn’t work). Since November, I’ve gained 8 kg’s and 4 inches on my waist. I’m regressing rather than progressing. In October and November, I could study for hours. Now, I’m distracted in 10 minutes tops.
In the area of my sexuality, I’ve moved from no porn to daily porn. I sneak my way to satisfy my lusts though I now lack a computer and have to use either my brothers’ or my father’s. Very soon, perhaps, I might even go back to old habits. Every week I have been planning to get an anonymous HIV and various other STD checks, but have been procrastinating. In December, I decided to wait until my 6 months incubation period is up, driving down false negative probabilities. Now, it’s way past 6 months and I keep on putting it off.
I’m disgusting.
But I suppose admission is the first step towards recovery. But I must ask, what’s the second?