Where Does God Want Me?
One of the first questions my mother asked when I told her my plans was whether or not God would want me to go there? I personally think with really good results, I still have one-in-ten chances of making it there. Great odds to convince me to try, horrible odds to plan my life around.
With the exception of London School of Economics, UPenn and Chicago, all these top schools I’m dreaming of are in relatively (in comparison with KL) small towns - be it Oxfordshire, Cambridge, the other Cambridge, New Haven, Princeton, etc. If I, by some miracle, enter any of this universities, I don’t see - from the standpoint of my recovery from homosexuality - how I would be worser off.
Kuala Lumpur, after all, have numerous cruising options for the promiscuious homosexual - there’s a sauna for bears, chubs and chasers (guess which two out of three I am), there are those for twinks, trannie clubs, beefcake joints, money boy parlours and regular ol’ gay bars. In every district of the Klang Valley, there is also at least one public toilet frequent by those willing to risk being charged for indecent behaviour.
If I ever want to dabble into a long-term homosexual relationship, there’s no need to go overseas. Sure, it illegal here, but in parts of the United States, it was illegal right up to the Lawrence v. Texas.
In the United States, especially, the ex-gay movement is a lot more stronger. If I do get into somewhere like Stanford, I would most likely spend one of my summers in some program like Love In Action. But going to a different place most likely would do wonders to my spiritual life - being out of my “family church” I’m prohibited from leaving (I may have sex with strangers daily, shot hard drugs up my veins every waking hour, become a serial murderer-cum-rapist etc. - my parents would forgive me, but not for the carnal sin of leaving the “family church”).
In other words, in my human thinking ways, there probably be a lot of reasons why God wouldn’t mind me studying at Princeton. Maybe God has other plans for me - but how would I know that? Since this whole Satan-running-amok thing, God’s been pretty secretive about specifics to his Grand Plan for His Grand Scheme of Things.
Rex,
Hey! Sorry I haven’t checked in on you in a while…I’ll do better! So much going on with you! Even though I have a difficult time understanding your potential plans (because your educational system is so different from ours) I want to tell you this. Who knows what God wants for you at this point? I’ve found, that the point He usually makes with me is to allow Him to have His hand in it. I tend to believe that He blessed us with talents and abilities that can be useful to the Kingdom….but will be worthless to Him if our focus is not on Christ. I would love to see your parents just allow you to investigate all of these avenues you are talking about…and just see where God leads. Maybe you can make a plea to them to that end?
As far as your struggle goes (oh…that again! ha!), it sounds like you are doing wonderfully. Really! You are conflicted…yes…which is a good thing particularly at your age. This is the TIME when you get to figure all that out. The season of your life in which conflict seems to reign in all areas. This will make it even MORE of a blessing when God’s plans are ultimately revealed and your path becomes more clear. Try…as much as you can….to continue to submit to and praise God THROUGH the conflict. “glory in tribulation” as Paul put it.
Enough advice. I’m still praying for you and will continue…always, to do so!
grace
Comment by grace — 1 April, 2006 @ 10:06 pm