Pink Tuesdays

One of the first questions my mother asked when I told her my plans was whether or not God would want me to go there? I personally think with really good results, I still have one-in-ten chances of making it there. Great odds to convince me to try, horrible odds to plan my life around.

With the exception of London School of Economics, UPenn and Chicago, all these top schools I’m dreaming of are in relatively (in comparison with KL) small towns - be it Oxfordshire, Cambridge, the other Cambridge, New Haven, Princeton, etc. If I, by some miracle, enter any of this universities, I don’t see - from the standpoint of my recovery from homosexuality - how I would be worser off.

Kuala Lumpur, after all, have numerous cruising options for the promiscuious homosexual - there’s a sauna for bears, chubs and chasers (guess which two out of three I am), there are those for twinks, trannie clubs, beefcake joints, money boy parlours and regular ol’ gay bars. In every district of the Klang Valley, there is also at least one public toilet frequent by those willing to risk being charged for indecent behaviour.

If I ever want to dabble into a long-term homosexual relationship, there’s no need to go overseas. Sure, it illegal here, but in parts of the United States, it was illegal right up to the Lawrence v. Texas.

In the United States, especially, the ex-gay movement is a lot more stronger. If I do get into somewhere like Stanford, I would most likely spend one of my summers in some program like Love In Action. But going to a different place most likely would do wonders to my spiritual life - being out of my “family church” I’m prohibited from leaving (I may have sex with strangers daily, shot hard drugs up my veins every waking hour, become a serial murderer-cum-rapist etc. - my parents would forgive me, but not for the carnal sin of leaving the “family church”).

In other words, in my human thinking ways, there probably be a lot of reasons why God wouldn’t mind me studying at Princeton. Maybe God has other plans for me - but how would I know that? Since this whole Satan-running-amok thing, God’s been pretty secretive about specifics to his Grand Plan for His Grand Scheme of Things.

… do this:
- Resit for my STPM. I’m very well damn sure if I push myself, I can be one of those smug lads in the newspaper the day STPM results come out. I actually have a plan - I start studying by today (I already did 4 hours of it - Economics and Accounts), and by mid-April, I’m done revising. The two-three preceding my exams, I join these tuition classes for exam coaching and more importantly, to beg and plead for them to set and mark an trial paper and write an official transcript for it by mid-September - in time for Oxbridge applications. I’ll pick and choose tuition centres and teachers after I get my college schedule.

- Yes, college schedule. I’ve decided to enrol into HELP University College and do a B.Sc. in Economics and Management from the University of London External Program (the exams are set at the same standard as and by the London School of Economics and Political Science). The External program has only one exam a year, that is, late May and early June.

- In the meanwhile, I plan to retake my SAT Reasoning Test (the one I got pretty low marks on the count of stomach flu) as well as do three SAT Subject Tests. Why? To apply to American universities. I also plan to do TOEFL (for the North American unis) and IELTS (for the rest of them).

- But you must be thinking - wouldn’t I be years behind my peers? If I do well in my first year exams as well as my STPM, I’m pretty sure I get enough credit exemptions to cut off at least one year off. In the end, in comparison with all my local university peers, I graduate the same time as they do.

- But failing that, if I do brilliantly well in both STPM and first year exams, I may be offered a place at LSE - with scholarship - to continue on my second-year studies there.

- Failing to get into Oxbridge, the Ivies, and LSE - I would still continue on with my External degree and get a pretty prestigious degree from a pretty prestigious university. I’m aiming for either first-class honours or upper second-class honours, which may earn me a postgrad scholarship.

- Failing that, I can still get a job with my B.Sc.

- Failing that, I pick between accountancy or law. The prior, I just enter MICPA, pass their exams, get an accountancy job, do the optional Institute of Chartered Accountants, England and Wales exams, and three years after I started, I be a chartered accountant. If law, I do my one year Graduate Law Diploma from London External - allowing me to take the test to join the Bar, continue on with my 2 year LL.M (Masters in Law) from London External - or do a 2 year graduate LL.B.

There: All base covered. Suddenly, I’m not that interested in going to Singapore. Though it is not as if my parents can afford it. If only I’ve decided this before I’ve sent in my application with the application fee (S$55 in total), along with close to RM70 in courier charges to send my supporting documents quickly before dateline to Singapore.

In the meanwhile, I need to up my extra-curricular ante. I’ve got a few ideas. I’ll let you guys know when they come to fruition.

There are around 480 peeps that got straight A’s in their STPM, out of a student population in excess of 17,000. Of those, only 9 scored a perfect grade in every paper. So statistically, I shouldn’t hope for the 9 if I retake, but those 480? Plausible.

But lately, I’ve been thinking - what do universities think about retake students? What do scholarship bodies and funds think? Someone who succeed on the rebound? Or someone who can’t be trusted to apply himself?

I’ve been thinking of doing a University of London External degree in Economics - a B.Sc. It’s not what I’ve would have prefered - either Government or Government and Economics, but it is better than nothing. And if I can get into the first class honours roll, I stand a rather fair shot of getting a postgrad scholarship instead. Furthermore, London School of Economics being completely examinations based and the examinations External students sit for is roughly the same test, marked roughly under the same standard.

I’m narrowing down my options to those two - retaking or London External. Maybe both. Exams for External students are in May - once a year for three years. STPM is in November. I can put all my effort into STPM, and then immediately after put all my effort into UoL. But I wonder whether I could apply for Internal admissions if I do spectacularly well in STPM. But heh, if I do spectacularly well in both STPM and my first exams, I would be considered especially well for scholarship to study second year on at LSE.

But it means I would bury the hatchet, go full in to what I like, what I’m passionate for, disregarding employment later on. There’s a graduate law diploma or graduate LL.B. programs, try my hand at that Bar exam several times and pass, if I want to get a job as a lawyer. Or enter into MICPA, get an accountancy job, perhaps try the ICAEW tests, work for three years, become a Chartered Accountant.

But the External idea has one significant hitch to it: I would still be in the Klang Valley. I guess one of the reasons why I studied 4-8 hours a day in the month preceding STPM was to get out of my home, get out of this metropolis, go somewhere else. Though London isn’t a particularly great idea - I can’t stand the cold. Why do they have a long summer break but not a long winter break? It makes no sense…

Tomorrow I have to watch upon around 6:30-7:00 (it’s 2:00am now) to get to school, have all my documents verified and stamped, and courier it to Singapore to I can beat the dateline. Typical Rex - procastinate now, don’t put it off! But if I get an offer to enter any Singaporean university, I would probably jump at it for the very reason I stated in the previous paragraph. But then again, not - even after tuition grant, the approximately S$6500 p.a. tuition seems to prohibitive for my family - and what about cost of living, textbooks, booze, contraband chewing gum etc.?

Though in Singapore I have a fair shot of doing a double degree or a double major based on my first-year results. Twin passions.

I found out three things over the weekend; 1) Mango and Bacardi goes well, 2) I can hold alcohol well, 3) There must be an alcoholic gene - I’ve been craving alcohol since Thursday morning.

It was my exam results -I could repeat but what guarantee would I get that my grades would improve drasticly - i.e. scholarship kinda grades? Certainly, I’m confident in myself, but what security is that?

For the longest time, I wanted to study overseas - get away from the family. And I found out deep down inside I really want to do economics or political science, or better yet, both. That’s where my interest lies. But the more I think about it, the more unrealistic it sounds.

What am I suppose to do? It’s a family thing for the men to do one of these options: law, engineering, medicine (pharmacy and dentistry don’t count buddy boy), and most recently, accountancy. Becoming an academic or an economist? It’s too much of a culture shock for them. Those who strayed from this hallowed paths to professional careers stray not too far (bioengineering, for example) that find their career choice with a family stamp of approval, or strayed too far (like being a millionaire before 30 from operating a bus fleet) that would subsequently be looked down by the rest of the family.

It’s difficult to guess which is straying too near and which is too far - my cousin did management and his parents prefer to talk about his austitics brother.

These jobs are safe, they are respected - if you find yourself prefering to do something else from advertising to zoology, oh well, you’re on your own. So not only I’m swimming against that, I’m swimming against my financial situation.

My parents are deep in the red, my father wants me to look no further than our local universities (nevermind the obvious handicap studying either economics or political science - you can’t be taught against government policies except with written permission from the Ministry). With my paltry grades, what scholarship do I hope to get? If I get into a Singaporean university or Chulalongkorn in Thailand, how am I going to pay for it?

It’s just downright frustrating - though matter how hard I try, I just can’t change my circumstances. I just can’t do something that has a high chance of giving me vocation and satisfaction, something that is matches my passions and interests.

I’m strongly thinking just to give up and go with the flow.

Perhaps my family doesn’t have the alcoholic gene. Perhaps it is the circumstances this family inflicted upon itself.

There is this girl with this rare cancerous condition. Tumours somewhere in her skull currently made her completely deaf. That’s part of the story. Yesterday at cell group, sometime through the ice breaker, she complained her right (or left, can’t remember) eye is hurting because after a tumour operation, her tear ducts doesn’t work - thus the fan (i.e. wind) is hurting her eye. We switched it off.

However, from the worship session - where almost everyone else were fanning themselves occasionally with their song sheets. The air conditioner can only do so much with a small room with 12 people. So we asked her if it’s okay to switch on the fan - we gave her eye drops and a cap. After that she didn’t complain.

Come today, I notice on her blog that she complained about our lack of kindness and understanding. But not once after the fan was switched on she complained to us - we can’t read minds. Especially when it comes to her, where she is the kind that makes her needs and wants very well known. What I am amaze is at the gale complaining that we weren’t acting as true friends.

I mean, cell groups depend very much on hearing communication - but we bend outselfs backwards - a lot - just to accomodate her. Our games must be deaf-friendly, our worship sessions, which she can’t participate, cut down significantly, discussions slower and shorter. Now, the cell leader is heavily considering splitting the cell group to accomodate her - a smaller cell group probably would treat her better.

And I’ve known her for years, long before that said tumour operation. She had that operation *years* ago, not once did she complain about her eyes. What more the rest of the cell group, whose relationship with her is much more newer? None of us can imagine what is it like to have no tears at all, what are we supposed to do? Read her mind?

The way she complained portray us, the cell group, as a bunch of insensitive goons that did absolutely nothing to accomodate her.

But the one most insensitive is her. For example, though deaf for almost a year, she have not learnt but a few words in sign language (I, who have perfect hearing, know more words in sign language than her) hoping that an expensive procedure she not yet can afford would make it moot. Instead of using her intellectual capacity to improve her communicative abilities as a deaf person instead of using a writing pad an a pen, she’s in college on a sympathy-scholarship, she writes newspaper articles and a book, etc.

And yet she insist on participating in social activities that does not actually accomodate the hearing impared - like church. But it is not to say it’s her fault completely - there is this one girl who coax her into coming to church, to cell group, to church member parties, etc.. Yet while there, she rarely bothers with her, making the rest feel obligated to give her company (my pastor’s Christmas party, for example, I spent all night making written small talk with her. Since that, I avoided her like a plague).

The most frequent greeting she gives me at such events is “Can you send [insert deaf girl name here] back?” She just want to have that nice feeling, “Oh, I’m helping her”, giving herself a political correctness boost, while refusing to go an inch out of her way to accomodate her.

I have come to the stage where I direct all my frustration onto somebody, and the poor sap is the Minister of Education, Hishammuddin:

PUTRAJAYA: Education Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Hussein wants a study on the deteriorating performance of last year (2005)’s Sijil Tinggi Persekolahan Malaysia (STPM) candidates in several subjects.

Overall, he said, he is satisfied with their performance but results of subjects like Chinese Language, Computer Studies and Mathematics have dropped last year compared with the previous year.

It’s easy, Hishammuddin, the bar is constantly being raised for STPM students. Doing a past year paper from the 1990’s is easier than one from the 2000s. Why? Because of the likes of you racists, Hishammuddin. Malay students go do the easier matriculation program under your ministry. Why is that, Hishammuddin? So that more Malays can go into university, come out and can’t find for a job?

If there is nothing wrong with STPM, Hishammuddin, why doesn’t your daughter do it? Why is your daughter in Australia instead? Is it because you lack trust in STPM or you lack confidence in your daughter? What about your ministry’s matriculation program? Is it because you think it is too low a standard for your daughter? You want her to do something recognized outside of Malaysia.

You see, Hishammuddin, the likes of you have turned the likes of me against this country. Right now, I have nothing but hate for this country. The first chance I get on leaving this country not to study but for good, I’ll take. I hate this country, Hishammuddin, and you only have you and your fellow party comrades to blame.

I don’t think I have ever been so downcast or depressed regarding any exam results compared with this. I got a B+ (Economics), a B (General Studies), a B- (Accountancy), a C (Mathematics S) and a C- (Malay language). First, the bad part: I failed one of the papers in Malay, pulling my grade down to a C-. What was one of my hopes for an A became the lowest grade in my result slip. The other paper had a what-must-be-very-strong B+, but the F for my written portion makes no sense - I was top of my class. I’m appealing.

Then there is Economics. I was so hoping I would get at least an A-, instead a B+ is what I get. If I didn’t get an F in that paper and got an A- in this paper, a cummulative GPA of 3.0 and above is feaible. Instead, it’s 2.55.

I didn’t go to Singapore hence - spending so much money on visiting universities I have a very very slim chance of getting in does not entice me. Everyone is congratulating me but to me, I most certainly could do much better. I really want to resit my STPM, I know I could improve my grade dramatically.

The good news is the Maths. While in my trials and every school exam since 2002, I have failed Mathematics. And this time, I got a C. Which means my average score is in the region of 50s or 60s (out of 100). For someone who struggled previously to get double-digit percentages, this is great news. What’s better, I got a B+ (that’s B-plus) for my Mathematics Paper 2 (which was Statistics and Business Mathematics) - which means I got my marks within the range of 80s or the high 70s.

That’s two weeks of work. Imagine what I could do with 6-7 months of work? I got a D+ in the first paper, which is calculus and other assorted nightmares - not stellar, but consider, the last test, I scored 5 marks. To get a D, I need at least 40 percent marks.

Everyone is congratulating me, somehow it being a big achievement (my Singapore-Cambridge A-Level best friend pointed out that if converted roughly on a Nottingham basis to A-level results, it’s 3A’s and 2B’s) but still, I could have done much better. I’m just so freaking depressed. I think I’ll gain a few kilos the next couple of weeks.

I recalibrated my handphone time to fit satellite time and set my alarm for 10:59am. 11:00am I would sent a simple message, “STPM ” and it would reply me my future, using a scale of 1.0 to 4.0.

The more and more I think of it, the more I want to do economics and/or political science. It is my passion. I can argue hours over hours in the elasticity of gas/petrol, the effectiveness of preventive taxes, Keynes monetory theories, etc. - but with accountancy, all I see is a job I can a) get, b) won’t get mad like Irene.

I want to become an entrepeuner, perhaps an investor instead (Keynes himself while being an economist was a really wealthy share speculator and investor). I don’t see how accountancy would be a better path to that anymore than economics or even social science is.

When I entered Form 6, a prophetest said to my mother that I would get not only 4 A’s, but 5 A’s. She didn’t know what I was doing, my mother said nothing at all. And at that time, I haven’t picked my 5th subject.

Largely because of Maths, I didn’t really believe it (she didn’t say which son, after all) - but after getting a new teacher just two weeks before STPM, where I finally understood Calculus, Statistics, etc. that I realize passing Maths was not only feasible, but getting an A was entirely possible.

There was another loophole in that prophecy - she didn’t say when. I have a strong urge to repeat STPM - I have until 29th March to decide. Unlike most of my Form 6 days, I have confidence that I can score straight A’s if I just try. With the exception of Maths, I know the subject (just last month, I was coaching an ACCA (Assoc. of Certified Chartered Accountants) student financial/accountancy ratios, yet I rarely get more than half mark on such questions). STPM is a set of riddles, I have the knowledge. I just need to learn in 6-7 months how to apply them in STPM.

I think that is possible.

A quick update on my life

Exams: Got my SAT results a few weeks ago; 650 for Critical Reading, 680 for Math and 600 for Writing. Not bad considering that I really needed to go toilet throughout, say, 9 out of the 10 sections, and the 5 minute toilet break isn’t enough (a lecture hall filled with 100 candidates, a toilet with three stall, do the math). And also, because I’m Malaysian and my England is not expected to be that powderful.

My STPM results, however, is coming out tomorrow. I hate every aspect of STPM - just when I thought the Malaysian Examinations Council could not *bleep* me over, they do this: set the results date this late. It’s interesting, examinations with more papers to mark, with more candidates at more locations could handle the logistics and give their students the results significantly earlier. But after tomorrow, I would have only one working day to apply for Singapore’s Nanyang Technological University; I had to book a trip to JB/Singapore *even though* I’m so highly unsure of my STPM results.

But overall, not particularly afraid of tomorrow. If I score crap, I get a holiday in Singapore. If I do well, Singapore would be my new home for, say, 7-8 years. If miracles happen, or more likely, a clerical error giving me a CGPA of4.0, Singapore would not, thankfully, be my home for the next 7-8 years.

Singapore: Ahh, yes, speaking of Singapore, I’m leaving by train tomorrow night with my best friend who have stuff to do in Singapore. And I’m collecting my passport, my dear first passport, tomorrow morning (actually, the passport is property of the government, but what the heck). Heh, tomorrow would be a packed day. But to be honest, I would be arriving in Woodlands, lugging around my bags from Jurong to Stamford St to Potong Pasir to Orchard Rd. Then we would be crossing the causeway to say at my mom’s uncle and aunt’s (thus, granduncle and aunt) place in JB near the causeway.

Hey, what to say, I’m influenced by Anthony Bourdain - “be a traveller, not a tourist”. And what could be more traveller-esque than living in the dirt cheapest place you could find? It’s free, after all, and SBS Bus 170 across the causeway from Malaysia back to Singapore sets you back S$1.50. Sure, we would spend one hour at immigration coming back and forth, but hey, it’s cheaper than Geylang’s red light district hostels. Comes with breakfast too!

I *could* stay in my father’s ex-roommate, rich lawyer friend that, most importantly, is rich and has a big mansion on the island, but my father would hear nothing of it. I hope if my future roommates ever become filty rich, I would not subject my children to the tyranny of immigration checkpoints and traffic jams.

Church: It would be so cool! I get to go to any Singaporean church, anything I like! New Creation Church (they even have a ministry called Laugh Ministry! How cool is that?)! City Harvest Church (they sing songs in *both* Mandarin and English! How cool is that?)! Full Gospel Assembly Johor Bahru (okay, technically not in Singapore…How cool is that?)! I was also thinking of Church of Our Saviour (winner of Best Church Logo, Ever, Since The Beginning of Time and Space), most famous for its Choices ex-gay ministry - but I’m going with friends so…

But I was thinking, I mix and match - I go to City Harvest on Saturday evening, 5p.m. (Jurong West, so near NTU…), New Creation on Sunday at 11:45am. Now, if I’m fast enough to leave Jurong West and reach Queenstown across the island in like half an hour, I can go to COOS’ youth service at 7. And I must reach early, apparently, tardiness is hoarded up north of the Tebrau Straits leaving chronic shortages in Singapore.

There’s Faith Community Baptist Church too! The whole G12 cell group movement is great, but it’s hard to join a cell group on short notice, no? Their service is at Singapore Expo, if I go for the 9am service at New Creation, their 1pm service would be feasible. Now, there, that’s a plan.

Update: Apparently, English services are not held at the iconic Jurong West building, it is held at Singapore Expo. Both Queenstown and Singapore Expo are on the same MRT line, I just change trains at Tanah Merah. So two services on Saturday - one in S.E. Asia’s biggest church, another at a church famous for its healing ministries, and one on Sunday - famous for its comedic pastor.

That should do it.

Just saw the last few minutes of the Academy Awards and Taiwan-born Ang Lee was saying something about the “gay men and women” who couldn’t express love or whatnot because of society of something like that. Interesting observation; Ang Lee is straight and married with two kids. Screen writers Diana Ossana and Larry McMurtry aren’t gay or at least openly so. The original author, Edna Annie Proulx, is openly straight having married three times.

The two main characters were played by Jake Gyllenhaal (straight) and Heath Ledger (really hot, straight… at least publicly so). The original short story itself is a work of fiction by E. Annie Proulx. So none of the main people behind this film is gay, no less being in a gay relationship portrayed in the film. How accurate then is their portrayal of gay love when none of them experienced it?