Pink Tuesdays

I’m no longer going to focus on where am I now, how I am going to accomplish these, but rather what I would get when I do accomplish them. I’ve decided to retake exams, tomorrow I’m going to plaster my walls further with accomplishments in that exam I want to achieve. I’ve pictures of happy families I want to put on the walls later today - to constantly remind me why I’m in this path to get myself fixed.

Lot set his tent facing Sodom and Gommorah and that’s where he went. Simon Peter focused on the waves and he sank. I’m not going to do that anymore. Those pictures and words blightly adorning my bleak walls would remind me whenever I’m feeling lazy or frustrated what I’m aiming for.

Couple of days ago, I borrowed my brother’s copy of Rich Dad, Poor Dad and finally something that made sense. I’ve going through the entire Rich Dad series (my brother owns like half the books from the series). What’s the book about?

Poor dad says, “I work for money,” rich dad says, “My money works for me”. Poor dad says, “I can’t afford it,” rich dad asks, “How can I afford it?”. Poor dad emphasises on traditional academic or technical education, rich dad find value in that as well as financial education. Poor dad buy luxuries and doodads with money he earns, rich dad buys those things with money his assets earn. Poor dad’s biggest investment is his house, which is really more like a liability because it bleeds cash, where elese rich dad’s biggest investment is in his financial education.

So from now on, I’m no longer going to say, “I can’t afford college”. I’m going to ask, “How can I afford college?” instead. What’s the difference? In the prior, your mind stops working, in the latter you mind gets to work. Look in the Bible, God doesn’t bless people who sit around, praying, hoping their economic circumstances would change.

But the biggest thing I’ve learn from the books, so far, is that I can choose to make money my master (like poor dad) or my servant (like rich dad).

And fat kids in suburban Ipoh, Perak is hard to come by - so you get tortured pretty bad. Plus, my genes didn’t show favour upon me - being fat during puberty (fat produces oestrogen), I developed permanent gynecomastia (my family is especially prone to it) which would be a major source of torture in my teens (gynecomastia, BTW, means female breasts. Not particularly good for a male).

As a pre-pube kid, I love swimming (one a week, a uncle from church would take me and my younger brother to the city’s pool). Becoming fat, and worse, getting gynecomastia ended that. Nowadays, church camps which happens in hotels with swimming pools are a torture because I can’t swim. In terms of physical sports, as a kid, I loved field hockey.

I dreamt of going into Anderson’s hockey team when I’m in high school (it’s a Ipoh thing). But the problem with Malaysian schools is that they can’t afford jerseys for PE/PJK or elementary school Hockey Clubs - it’s skins vs. tee’s. The risk of being in skins put me off hockey forever.

But I’m no longer going to be a victim of that. Usually, I would start fitness programs with a bang and hope to reach my goals (50 kg) in 3-4 months. I go straight into it, instead of transtition into it - the longest I’ve survived in 1 month. But I’m not going to repeat mistakes. I’m going to transition into it - walks and light jogs first, cutting off bad food slowly - and I’m going to set long targets - this time, 12 months.

Furthermore, for my gynecomastia, I’m going to earn money from assets I will invest in the next few years in getting it surgerically removed. I’m not going to depend on my parents’ charity in this area, considering how understanding they are. Neither am I going to follow my old plan - get a good job - even one I hate, when I can afford it, have the surgery.

School’s out and thanks to my financial predicament, college is not for another few more years if ever. It’s no longer a pressing matter to have it remove. My fitness and health matters more.

Recently I went for one of those free fitness evaluations by gyms that I could not possibly afford (wait, more like, How can I afford such gyms?). My BMI shows I’m already in the morbidly obese category (worse, I have a below-average bone mass, so that’s bad because BMI underexagerates), I have very low stamina and flexibility, I have a blood pressure close to being hazardous and my sitting heart rate is too high.

My family has a nice, thick history of diabetes, heart problems, liver problems, high blood pressure, and stroke. I need to fix this temple of the holy spirit if I want it around for long. Plus, I don’t want to foot huge medical bills when I’m 30 or 40 like my parents.

Now, instead, I want to understand why I’m sexually addicted before I give it up completely. Sure, God can change me completely, instantly like he did to many people. But the thing is that, He seemingly doesn’t want to do that for me. Why? The best explanation I can get is that God wants me to learn something.

If He erases my dependency on pornography and illicit sex, I wouldn’t know what’s causing them. I wouldn’t know what to rectify. So instead of having come out clean, I would sooner or latter lean upon another crutch instead of being able to walk independently.

The first step towards recovery is realizing and admitting you have the problem. I reckon the second step ought to be finding out what that is. I tried to skip that step, and that was my undoing.

Now, my plan is to start reading the Bible regularly. Not just reading, meditating on it. Other sinners can do it, why can’t I? Previously, I’ve been very stingy in my giving, now I realize that giving is part and parcel of growing in Christ - so one of my aims is to give at least half of my wallet contents (i.e. half of my money) in the offering basket every week.

I’m starting to pray. But instead of praying merely for my wishes, I’m praying that God help me forgive those who have wronged me and made my life miserable. Maybe one day I would come to a level where I can bless them. I’m going to invest time in finding God and God’s ways. I’m going to work, with God, to break down my pride that is keeping me away from Him.