Pink Tuesdays

Now, where can I get a refund for this year?

This year is probably the worst one in my 19 years walking the earth. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. But oh well, evidently as you can see with my life, life ain’t fair. Deal with it. (Well, I’m hoping if I say that enough, I would actually believe it and stop my pity party).

A new low was struck for me a couple of weeks back. It’s me and my parents. Don’t actually feel like thinking about it (those damn tear ducts betray me otherwise). Let’s just say that my dislike of my father turned into venomous hate. My entire family (except maybe my older brother and his girlfriend) is making my life - oh, I can’t even think of a proper adjective!

My life seems to be going nowhere and my hopes and dreams seem to be rotting like a carcass under the Malaysian sun. Life thus far have not given what I want, what I need. I just have to learn to deal with it. Boo hoo, my life is terrible, I’m broke, jobless, no educational prospects, I have same-sex attractions, I’m lonely, boo hoo hoo. I’m stopping my pity party today, it’s ending this year. Many people have it worser off than me. Though many do have it better than me, focus on the negative, Rex, focus on the losers. You’ll feel less like one.

I don’t have Borderline Personality Syndrome. Proof? I’ve been in a rut for the past, well, couple of weeks. Where is those happy, chirpy periods that comes in between periods of intense depression and rage? Bleh. It’s not fair.

*drumroll* Borderline Personality Disorder?

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5)
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating; [not including] suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5)
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
7. chronic feelings of emptiness
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Sounds just about right. From the book, I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me:

Over the following weeks, Jennifer talked more about her upbringing. Reared in a small town, she was the daughter of a prominent businessman and his socialite wife. Her father, an elder in the local church, demanded perfection from his daughter and her two older brothers, constantly reminding the children that the community scrutinized their behavior. Jennifer grades, her behaviour, even her thoughts were never quite good enough. She feared her father, yet constantly-and unsucessfully-sought his approval. Her mother remained passive and demured. Her parents evaluated her friends, often deeming them unacceptable. As a result, she had few friends and even fewer dates

So I’m crazy. Yay!

It’s infuriating. After I put up a temper tantrum and made in blindingly clear to everyone that the chocolates in the fridge is *mine*, it’s all gone today. Not a single bit left.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY?

And it isn’t the cheap kind either; I bought it for a few good, old friends back/coming back to Klang Valley as Christmas presents. The thing is that this holiday I went to, my parents gave me very little actual money. All but two of my meals involved eating instant noodles, instant 3-in-one coffee and 3-in-one hot chocolate, as well for breakfast, kid-size cereal boxes; all of which I bought back home.

I bought a bunch of stuff because it was cheaper there. I bought it for friends, who though now seem to have moved on and consider me a friend from the past, amongst other things my brothers can’t consume out of the fridge; and I thought it was a good buy and worth the sacrifice. If only I knew last week that me drinking the cheapest drink on the menu while my friends eat because I don’t have money was so that my brothers can have a midnight snack, I wouldn’t have bought any.

And my parents? My mother somehow finds a way to pin this on me. My father is somewhat surprise I wasn’t even at home last week. No wonder I’m gay.

Everything in my life is just falling apart. My dreams, my hopes. It’s miserable. There’s just no break from it, there’s no escape. The people who I thought are my friends aren’t, those I thought were my best friends were just buddies from a bygone era. Parents continue to ignore me; I had a terrible flu yet they wonder why my chores aren’t done. I bought a bunch of chocolates from my short holidays as Christmas presents to those “friends”, skipping a few lunches to afford them, only to find them eaten by my brother. Confronting the petty theft only led to the victim, me, getting scolded while the thieve not even reprimanded.

I seem to believe having a terminal disease is better than having a family that at best ignores you or at worst beat you down to a pulp, having homosexual tendencies and having no close friends to help you out. At least in the prior people sympathize with you. In the latter, you suffer alone.