Masquerade!
This is my life, if you know me in real life. I study on occasion. My family is a tight, loving unit. I love teaching Sunday School. I enjoy my church’s Youth Church (well, its down to the size to call it Youth Gang or Youth Mini-Gathering or some sort). I have this long-running crush on a classmate that incidently have a long-running and subsisting boyfriendhood.
I read the Bible, I pray everyday. I’m walk with God on a daily basis, and when I comfort people by promising “I’ll pray for you”. I have an abstinence pledge in my wallet. I could go on, and on, but you could probably guess that all those aren’t true. I can’t remember the last time I truly studied. My family is a tearing apart as we type. I hate Sunday School. I go to Youth Church only because I’m an elder’s son and I can’t go to church on Sundays.
I never had a crush on any girl, I’ve never been consistent with reading the Bible - in fact, until recently, never been reading at all. I feel stupid praying and my record time so far is 30 seconds. But well, I have never f***ed a women before, but you could probably guessed what gender I did it with. My entire life is a charade, a facade.
A bloody lie. Why must I live like this? More than exhausting, it is, slowly by slowly, what’s left of the good in me.
I may not hate myself but I hate my life. I wish I could return it or at least trade it in for a new one.
And I feel trapped. I want to run away. But I can’t.