Pink Tuesdays

…castration?

If your hand or your foot gets in the way of God, chop it off and throw it away. You’re better off maimed or lame and alive than the proud owners of two hands and two feet, godless in a furnace of eternal fire. Matthew 18:8 (The Message)

So if your testicles gets in the way of God…? It would be so much easier. Wonder if the local vet would be willing to do it.

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life. James 1:12 (The Message)

Hope that’s a good life, God.

I don’t feel like moving forward - forgiving my parents, talking to my father, the likes. Heck, even praying or reading the Bible. Yet whenever I imagine myself in the future - still having same-sex attractions - I find myself having that choking reflects. I couldn’t imagine myself having a happy life being gay. Yet I can’t commit myself to God’s Lordship. I mean, I don’t even let my mother choose my clothes, I want God to choose my life?

Yet on one hand I keep on imagining the short-term gay lifestyle - I’m thinking dating some men, perhaps less anonymous sex… yet whenever I force my mind to think of the long-term prospects, I don’t want that life. Yeah, I would love to start a family. But the reason why all these years I never dated is because I don’t want to lead any girl on when I’m not attracted to her - what more getting married with one of them? Though right now I guess I would be pretty happy living a celibate lifestyle, I wonder if that’s got to do with my refusal to deal with my deep-seated issues.

I should get myself comfortable, it would seem I would be stuck at this point for a long time to come… knowing myself.

P.S. God, invent that pill you pop in and viola, you’re straight! I’ll help do the marketing. Just 10% profit, its all I ask.