Out with the old…?
Today I had the weekly meeting only with Simon. It’s amazing how much I told him, and Tryphena. More so than anyone else. Considering I’ve only seen him thrice, and Try, twice.
One of the things I’ve shared with Simon is my lackluster walk with God (or the lack of one, rather). Praying, especially out loud, seems rather stupid. “Who am I talking to? Does He even listen? Why then doesn’t He reply?” I still face tonnes of struggles is my life, and I realize currently, I’m facing them by myself. God isn’t handling it, dealing with issues deep within me. I’m carrying this ridiculously huge burden of same-sex attractions by myself.
I’ve accepted Christ as my Saviour but not quite as my Lord. I still haven’t taken up the cross. I still can’t find it within me to push my old self out, to put it’s neck in the noose and jump from the stool. Oh, many times I have got up on the stool… only to come down moments later, deciding I’m not ready. So measured and check on the noose. Is it the right kind of rope? Correct length?
Somehow, I still want to be in control. I’m a control freak. Perhaps far more so than any other Homo sapien. I suck at group work because of it. More importantly, would being a control freak risk not only my life, but also my salvation?
I want to change. But I first must learn to let God lead the change.
P.S.: I still feel really bad in allowing Simon pay for the bill for dinner. I mean, he’s doing me the favour not the other way around. Plus two thirds of the bill is my (rather tasty) chicken chop. I should have ordered something cheaper. Like his toasted sandwiches. I’m a glutton with SSAs.