Confusion
A week ago, I was definite I want to change.
Now I’m not sure. Not the slightest bit.
The urges are too strong. And I’m trying to rationalize my way out of this change. “Oh, you’ve read all those anti-ex-gay articles - it doesn’t work - don’t waste your time”. I have set a upper limit of 3 years for this. If I don’t see any difference whatsoever, I might just quit. No, I’m not that unrealistic to think that I would be completely different in my sexual orientation in 3 years - just that I’m sure there would be signs that you’re change. Right? Incidentally, in 3 years time I would have gotten my bachelors and would be capable of living independently of my parents. They won’t have to “subsidize” my lifestyle.
But I don’t know. A year ago, I loved being gay. Sure, the guilt was horrible each time I slept around, but I thought that was only because of the societal stigma around it. And still there’s a nagging feeling in me - and I can’t help it - saying that I never actually gave a same-sex commited relationship a chance. All I had was anonymous sex - one night stands. Yet, I don’t see why I should try same-sex relationships before this. If this doesn’t work out, why can’t I find a boyfriend then?
And now, I’m thinking, perhaps I should reconsider. It’s not like I’m dancing before Satan shouting “tempt me, tempt me!”. Yet the temptation is so strong. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. Prayer doesn’t seem to help. Perhaps this is just the first leg of this. My first hurdle. And I’m so confused.
On a separate note, since last Tuesday, every chance I get to see someone, I have the urge to blurt out that I’m gay. Come out from the closet. While not many, if any that is, of gays coming out of the closet go straight to examining why they were in the closet in the first place, but I’m afraid what others think of me. I know if someone I know came to me and tell me they’re alcoholic and started going to AA, he first thing that comes to mind is “SINNER!”. I would have judged in an instant. Why should others treat me any different? Perhaps I should tell someone. Someone who knows me. I hate living this double life - even though I’m getting help the Christian way.
I’m quite sure I would see results in three years. But I’m worried I’m completely wrong. And for some reason, that’s the source of my confusion. Perhaps its just the hormones.