Pink Tuesdays

I feel bad, but that I smirked while reading this - the struggle with porn. It’s quite clear pornography is bad - gay or straight or both. But it is nice to be reminded, and to remind others going through the same journey as me, that it isn’t an exclusively-gay problem.

Heck, with far more straight porn sites, it probably is a bigger problem for them. Right? Well.

My friend also said masturbation prevents a person from going out and acting on his/her sexual desires with another person — ie. committing adultery or fornication — so it is the lesser of two evils, and acceptable.

What a load of crap. Without pornography, I wouldn’t have acted out with my urges and had sex with between 10-15 men (well, I lost count). Contrary to popular belief, your hormones doesn’t go down everytime your masturbate. At least, not with me. The urge may leave momentarily - but soon you would need “fixes” more and more often. And constant fantasizing would eventually push you to the real thing.

I’ve decided to make this blog a group blog. Though, for now, with one author. Why? All the ex-gay related blogs and websites are advocacy websites. Their testimonials are mainly about people who made it not people while on the journey (so to speak). Not people having to deal with an entire lifestyle change. Not people who have to dig deep within themselve to see what’s the problem that is causing this sympthom.

If you’re like me - starting off on this road that you haven’t completed, and want to blog about your every little triumph and failure, problems and successes - drop me an email. This isn’t an advocacy blog n- there’s a lot of those already. Not a blog to convince people like us to change their ways. It is for those still changing their ways. Think of this as one big AA meeting - for aspiring ex-gays. Hi, my name is Pink and I’m gay [cue: Clap].

Its been five days since I last masturbated. Gawd, it’s hard. Though the haze is helping by keeping me sick - though prior to this decision, I’ve been doing it sick or no sick unless I’m too sick to be awake (yes, folks, my addiction ran that deep). It’s also 5 days since I deleted all the porn from my computer hard disk. Well, not all. I just remembered one porn stash I kept for “rainy days” where the Internet would be down and I would be horny - it contains a lot of pictures you can no longer find on line. I deleted it.

But after much thought.

Gawd, kicking this habit is harder than I thought. Normally, days at end without masturbation happen after a very guilty experience (i.e. sleeping with another guy). Not a life-changing decision.

In fact, the stuff I have been seeing the past few days is making it even harder. Like a couple of days ago at Sunway Pyramid, I saw the biggest flaccid penis I’ve ever seen. The stupid thing was that I was there for the City Harvest Church Revival and Worship thingie, and that penis belongs to one of the CHC members zealous enough to fly to hazy KL for this. Even the newspapers doesn’t help - there’s this cute guy at the back of this story’s picture that’s really cute and really muscular. Underwear promotion in New York? Ehh… (underwear remains my biggest fetish ever).

And I was thinking: shouldn’t I make right with God first then go on this journey instead of doing it simultaneously… Though actually, I had an ulterior motive - I was thinking more of going back to my lifestyle. And fulfilling my very old fantasy: get myself fit and become an locker room exhibitionist and get good sex with that. I always thought sex is crappy because the men I get which is crappy only because I’m fat - a big stomach, a little gynecomastia and really huge hips and an ugly butt. As you can tell, it’s patently ridiculous - if sex is determined by how you look in the gay, rainbow, free-loving, PLU world - then it’s a really shallow world.

This is a long, narrow, really winding, hazy, rocky, uneven road. Well, I have faith that the destination would be nice. And hopefully, the destination would come soon (like tomorrow… please - the haze is killing me). I mean, what’s better than constantly praying to rebuke every masturbatory urge every time you see the waistband of someone’s underwear (underwear fetish, remember)? Heaven of course.

And I don’t know whether this journey leads me to have sexual fetishes of women’s underwear or it would empower me to be celibate for life but gay within. Personally, I’m okay with either. But this journey, and hence, this blog shall continue. Next Tuesday is my first “session” so to speak.