Hey people.
Just to update you guys. Things have been progressing pretty well on some fronts, and horridly on others. I’m HIV negative, I’m in Singapore, and yeah. School’s fine, great opportunities, horrid work environment. Struggles the same. And yeah, that’s about it.
A quick update:
1) I took a HIV blood test last Wednesday.
2) I would know my results next Monday.
3) That is, if I go into Singapore and find myself in Raffles Medical Centre, CausewayPoint.
4) Which I would not do without taking another HIV test in KL and finding out whether or not I’m positive.
5) Because if I’m HIV-positive, I wouldn’t go back into Singapore
6) It isn’t a tantrum-response really, I just really don’t want a ‘Prohibited’ stamped on my passport. HIV+ folk, as like those with TB, beggar-rities, Opposition-ities - I would become a “Prohibited Immigrant”.
7) Yeap, so very soon, my future would be known. And knowing my parents, quite possibly my home, security and family is at stake too.
How fun.
Positive parts of the day
- I got a call from Starbucks offering the part-time barrister job to me. Rejecting it though, unless I decide against going to Singapore.
- Heading into the shopping complex next to the bus stop where I have to wait for my second bus to reach home, my friend, who I complained of here, treated me to nasi kerabu. It’s nice to know who your real friends really are.
- That paracetamol helped a lot. She, the friend, may be completely un-Christian, but she was there for me when nobody else weren’t.
Now, the negative
Where do I start? How about the beginning?
- Woke up one hour before I wanted to simply because my mother decided it would be a dandy idea playing some 10-year-old Hillsong tape loudly while she showers in the other end of the house.
- At a rush-rush breakfast, I saw a letter openned - a lawyer’s notice demanding my father pay up his Hong Leong’s credit card debt. It’s RM13,XXX. I’m probably not going to study in Singapore.
- Spent longer than usual getting to work because of exhaustion-induced absent-mindedness forced me to miss my turning on the LDP, heading me towards TTDI. Oh, the jams.
- Had an headache since then
- Played two jobs that morning - my usual, and as replacement teacher - could not sneak off to ProJet to have something to eat and later, Panadol. The hunger pangs ensue. Though playing the teacher role today, I was getting paid 15 times less the person I’m replacing.
- All the kids decided to do their test today (they do a test after each workbook). More work for me. Boss decided to get complete academic records of this leaving students. More work for me.
- Lunch was okay. Coming back from lunch, I decided to head towards ProJet and buy Panadol. Something I really need.
- Car stalled at the traffic light, three cars away from it. Lots of honking. Not particularly good for headaches. Sky just had to be blue at that time - bladdy hot.
- Called just about everyone by the cellphone. Forgotten everyone was observing the National Don’t-Pick-Up-The-Phone Day. The bars indicating battery life on the phone actually went down.
-Some kind soul help me push the car back to around the 6th car away from the traffic line. Noticibly less honking. Still no one picking up the phone.
- After an half hour (I only got a 45 minutes lunch break this time), I decided to walk towards the resource centre - risking my car getting hit by one of those honking cars. Got three boys to help me push my car around 1/2 km away from the main road of honking cars.
- Sky was still blue (that’s bad, in Malaysia). Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Boss and receptionist went out, filling in three people’s job now. More kids decide they absolutely, definitely, need to take their test today. Poor kids, I failed all but three. One even at 55.5% (passing grade is 80%) - he started crying. Should have put that on the positive section. Still, no one picking up the phone.
- One of the guys who I tried to call - the one who got me this bloody job - called back. I was suppose to follow him to Singapore this weekend. My grandunc and grandaunt in JB, across the causeway, was in KL - couldn’t stay with them. His friends in Singapore, well, kinda rejected the possibility of me staying in their HDB flat. Still, no one else picking up the phone.
- Other teachers decide it is against their best interest to lessen the slack I’m holding. Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Headache intensifies, runny nose and fever ensues. Girls claims to put a test paper on my table, I can’t find it, she panics and goes into near-crying. (Positive section again?) Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Left work around 4:30, around 1.5 hours later than I planned - someone had to send me to the bus stop because those blue skies just have to lash out in pouring rain now. Somebody hates me up there. Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Waited 30 minutes for a bus to send me to the said shopping complex. Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Waited 1 hour for a bus to send me from from that said shopping complex. Still, no one picking up the phone.
- Was drizzling when walking home.
- Mother was horrified with the car-stalled-in-the-middle-of-nowhere with the I-will-blame-you-for-the-rest-of-your-life-if-that-old-piece-of-crap-gets-stolen voice. Broke down. Cherry on top of a beautiful day. Hate family.
On Tuesday, I got a rejection letter from the National University of Singapore. Not an offer for another course, as it is usually done, or waitlisted. Outright rejection. But before I could swirl done the deep recesses of depression, I got a phone call from a Johore number - from SMU (they have a Johore office? They have that many Malaysian students?) - to arrange an telephone interview with a professor from the School of Economics and Social Science.
Heh, bangga a bit - interviewed you know. And then the next day, at 9:45pm, I got the telephone call from this certain Prof. Ong who spoke with a thick foreign accent (well, he didn’t puntuate his sentences with -lah, he’s definitely not Singaporean). So speaking of -lah’s, I tried my best not to say that suffix, as with -mah, -kua, and other things that make my grandmother think she has a Cantonese grandchild - instead what came out was ‘-le-’ or ‘-ahh’. I managed to stay away from Manglish/Singlish words - that I’m proud of.
My job did help a bit in the interview - the official title is “Volunteer Helper” (getting paid to volunteer… fine, it is a stipend. But still). He asked me about it, and asked about homeschooling (though I beg to differ whether or not the centre practices homeschooling). Moving on from there, he asked me about my plans - I told him I want to become an economist and pursue postgraduate studies in Economics, preferably research on monetary systems. I went on to say how I have read up a lot on that subject.
He then promptly asked me, “What is the biggest economic problem facing Malaysia”. I would have answered, “Indians”, but I gave a more PC answer of “Inflation, for the inflation rate last month was 4.8″. He then asked how to solve it. I wanted to say mengehadkan money supply - lost for words, I immediately said, “ease”. Stupid me, why didn’t I study in English - the better translation would be “restrict”. I corrected myself after what seem like three century’s worth of a pause, and then went on to say something about decreasing duties and taxes on consumer goods (which is a better answer; inflation last month was cost-push).
I thought I was done for. Until yesterday just before I left work, I saw this in my email account (yes, I surf more than I work):
Letter of Offer : Singapore Management University Bachelor of Science (Economics) programme - REX (X##XXX####)
Dear REX (X##XXX####)
Congratulations! We are delighted to offer you admission to SMU’s Bachelor of Science (Economics) programme at our School of Economics and Social Sciences for the Academic Year 2006-07.
This opportunity to study at SMU is a privilege we offer only to applicants of high calibre as the competition to gain admission gets more intense each year. Our record shows that only one in nine applicants gets selected.
SMU is the first to offer a holistic approach to economics education in this part of the world. The School’s innovative and interactive pedagogical approach and her high standard of teaching excellence are the cornerstones for a stimulating and vigorous learning environment. You will receive strong theoretical foundations from highly qualified professors from the world’s top schools and most up-to-date developments and practices from leaders in the forefront of the industry.
Today, the standard or discipline-specific approach is no longer adequate in resolving profound and compelling issues. Ours is a creative and highly relevant curriculum with real-world content that encompasses the arts as well as science, technology and entrepreneurship. You will also have opportunities for international exchanges and study missions. And as an elite SMU student, you have the option to pursue a double degree or a second major in any of our other courses in your second year at SMU if you perform well in your first year. You can look forward to an exceptional learning experience, one that will shape your abilities and talents, and give you the edge on graduation. The SMU Edge!
You have up to 5 June 2006 to accept our offer of a place at SMU. You may accept our offer online at www.smu.edu.sg
Heh. But I have less than a month not only which university to study in, but which country to live in. If I study in Singapore, unless I want to give up the 80% tuition subsidy, I’m bonded to work in Singapore for three years.
But didn’t Edmund Smith say not to go to Singapore? I don’t know, I think an letter of offer for my first choice from Southeast Asia most selective Economics school while outright rejections elsewhere might be a sign. Plus, KL is as liberal as Singapore, if not significantly more (I have many ASEAN Scholar friends, they all would agree). I currently know as much as 15 (or 16 if that “men’s private massage and sauna” shoplot I saw in SS2, Petaling Jaya is, well, just that). I can date other gays - it just never have been my fancy. And my favourite cruising spot - public toilets - is a little out of the question in Singapore.
As for family, my grandfather made the (pigheaded, stupid) choice of staying on the Johore side of the causeway during the Singapore-Malaysia split. I have extensive amounts of family in Singapore and Johore, so while there isn’t an immediate family to restrict and control me, there is an extended family that is just as controlling. So I don’t think I would turn into a hedonistic pro-gay living a life worthy of Queer As Folk in Singapore - quite unlikely.
Singapore sounds good. God, what do you think?
I’ve been blaming nearly everyone from God to my father for everything wrong with my life, but honestly, i share a vast majority of it. You see, I’m, down to the core, lazy. Lazy with no drive. When I told my best friend my plan, he immediately replied, “Knowing you, after a week or so, you’ll stop studying and go back to the same ol’ same ol’”. I vehemently denied that, but he’s right. One month after deciding to retake STPM, I studied precisely one chapter of History and a quarter a chapter for Calculus.
I was completely free. No job. No money to go out. My TV was out. My computer was spoilt. Yet I found the time to do nothing while I have something worthwhile to do.
And not only with procrastination but also drive. One day after I started my diet-exercise program, I stopped. That is the nadir of my existence - one day. And I stopped for the stupidest of reasons (I woke up late, didn’t feel like proceeding on). Sure, I would kill to become slim, but lacking anyone or anything to kill, bah - what’s the point.
And every time I resolve to change my habits and change my lifestyle, I put it off, “Bah, I’ll start next Monday” or “Bah, I’ll start next month”. Approaching the finish lines I put for my self, I move the goal posts further back and back. I mean, if I had any semblance of discipline and drive, I would be slim and muscular by 16.
And I make the silliest of excuses for my infractions. “Oh, I have gynecomastia, I wanted to get rid of it, but failing, I couldn’t be bothered” or “This year is exams year, I should study instead of going to the gym”. I once signed up for Fitness First, a mid-range, rather-expensive-for-my-family, gym in my neighbourhood. The first month, I went for only three times. The second, third, fourth and fifth months were better, but only slightly - once or twice a week when I planned six isn’t good enough and certainly not worth the money spent.
I quit after the fifth month (and because of my contract, that means I was officially part of a gym for 6 months). Earlier on, I joined a community gym with a trainer. I ignored most of his dietary advice and missed most of my sessions. While everyone else who joined around the same time as me when from literal strength to strength, I remained a tub of lard with minor improvements.
I keep on making promises with myself and breaking them to the point I no longer trust myself. I tried every trick - plan ahead (bah, didn’t work), organize (bah, didn’t work), put pictures of your goals on your walls (didn’t work too), put pictures of your fat self on your walls (doesn’t work). Since November, I’ve gained 8 kg’s and 4 inches on my waist. I’m regressing rather than progressing. In October and November, I could study for hours. Now, I’m distracted in 10 minutes tops.
In the area of my sexuality, I’ve moved from no porn to daily porn. I sneak my way to satisfy my lusts though I now lack a computer and have to use either my brothers’ or my father’s. Very soon, perhaps, I might even go back to old habits. Every week I have been planning to get an anonymous HIV and various other STD checks, but have been procrastinating. In December, I decided to wait until my 6 months incubation period is up, driving down false negative probabilities. Now, it’s way past 6 months and I keep on putting it off.
I’m disgusting.
But I suppose admission is the first step towards recovery. But I must ask, what’s the second?
One day the devil was having a sale, hawking his many diabolical tools of the trade. On display, with their price tags attached, were all the devil’s tools and weapons: the arrows of jealousy, the hammer of anger, the dagger of worry, the slingshot of doubt, the axe of hatred and numerous others.
But one tool stood out above them all. Displayed prominently on a pedestal high above the rest of his wares was showcased, “The Wedge of Discouragement.”
Intrigued by this little tool, which was dented and worn with use, a curious shopper inquired about the high price, because the wedge cost more than all the other tools combined.
“Ah yes,” said the devil, “THAT is my favorite tool of all. You see, it’s so easy to use. It hardly takes any effort.
All I have to do is get the very tip of the wedge into my victim and the rest is easy. Once the wedge is in, I just
tap it ever so slightly and it slides in deeper and deeper.
“Sometimes I don’t have to do anything - my victims push the wedge in deeper all by themselves! A small opening soon becomes a gaping crack, making room for the rest of my tools. Before you know it, my wedge has completely split a person’s dreams, hopes and aspirations in two.”
“That’s why the wedge of discouragement commands such a high price - because it’s my most effective tool. It has opened more doors for me than all my other tools combined.”
The moral of this story is obvious and so true, isn’t it? The smallest bit of discouragement can split your dreams apart - IF you let it.
Taking the first step toward a fitness, bodybuilding or weight loss goal is seldom spontaneous. I know people who thought about competing in bodybuilding or fitness for YEARS before they mustered up the courage to set the goal and start the training (let alone stand onstage in a “teeny bikini!”) Many people spend months “thinking about it” before they finally join a gym and get started.
So much planning, thought, time and effort go into overcoming inertia and getting the ball rolling… and what
happens? You hit ONE rough patch (you always do), and you allow the wedge the tiny opening it needs. You stray from your diet, miss some workouts, sustain an injury, or more often than any other reason; you simply don’t see results fast enough. One little setback or challenge and you let yourself become hopelessly discouraged.
It’s a pity how easily most people are discouraged, because reaching your goals will occur with mathematical certainty if you consistently follow proven principles and natural laws. Too many people get discouraged or quit before they allow the required gestation period to elapse.
If you planted a tree in your backyard, you would know for certain it would grow, as long as you provided the necessary conditions. If you planted it in good soil, nurtured it, and provided it with water and sunlight, your seed would sprout and grow towards the sky as sure as the night follows the day.
Goals are like seeds and they require time to take root and sprout. Getting discouraged just because you have a setback or you don’t see your body transform “overnight” is silly. It’s denying nature’s immutable laws. Becoming negative or quitting because you don’t see results fast enough is like digging up your seeds to see if they’re growing down there (killing them in the process).
If you’re nurturing your “goal seeds” by consistently working out and eating properly, OF COURSE they’re growing! Have you ever watched the grass grow in your backyard? You don’t actually SEE each blade getting taller, but you KNOW it’s growing because every week you have to mow your lawn! Sometimes getting in shape is like watching the grass grow - it really tests your patience. Don’t EVER allow that to discourage you! Keep advancing confidently in the direction of your goals.
It’s ok to have BIG, magnificent goals, but allow a reasonable time frame for achieving them. Shun the quick fix and cultivate the virtue of patience. Impatience leads to frustration. Frustration leads to discouragement.
Discouragement, allowed to fester and grow, is the dream destroyer.
When discouragement strikes - and it will, right along with its brethren, doubt and fear - see it as an opportunity to get stronger. All progress and growth occur against resistance. The lumberjack says, “The stronger the wind, the stronger the trees, good timber does not grow with ease.” Just as muscles grow against resistance, the strength of your will also grows when exercised against resistance. You can’t become a strong person unless you experience setbacks, challenges and discouragement and overcome them. Life’s
challenges were meant to be met head on and mastered.
It’s been said that when God wants to give you a gift, he wraps in up in a problem. Your current problem, difficulty, or whatever is making you feel discouraged, is your great opportunity! Each time you feel discouraged and press on in spite of it, you get tougher. Your skin gets thicker as if a callous were forming. Eventually, you forge an impenetrable armor against the onslaught of discouragement’s wedge and
all the other tools that destroy the dreams of weaker men and women. You gain the faith and confidence to look in the mirror and KNOW you’ll reach your goal eventually, even though you don’t see dramatic changes on a day to day basis.
With the new year before us, I want you to make a commitment today, right NOW: Set goals for year, but don’t stop there. Set “a goal for your goals”: Decide that you will see your goals through to completion, no matter what slings and arrows (and wedges) come your way. Decide that you will never give up when you feel discouraged, but instead, you will see discouragement as your signal to dig in and work even harder. Decide that you will conquer discouragement, and in so doing, become more resolved, more determined, and
stronger than ever. Make the commitment today! Make this year your best year ever!
“To be undiscouraged and undismayed by whatever turn of fortune is encountered is always a mark of maturity and enlightenment.”
- U.S. Anderson,
The Magic In Your Mind
The Wedge of Discouragement
by Tom Venuto
It’s at a church resource centre (a euphenism for a private school who can’t afford proper teachers thus hire unqualified facilitators pretending to do ‘homeschooling’, albeit not at home). It’s a proper job, and I’m sure if Christianity had the karma system, it would count for a few points. However, it’s an hourly rate of RM2.50 - I almost wanted to blurt out that I can get RM1 more in McDonalds.
But then again, McD’s rejected my job application, as with countless other retailers - I had a permanent, genetically-induced (my cruel fate started at conception it would seem) sleepy face that scares away retail companies fearing it would put off their customers. I could do plastic surgery, but it’s rather expensive, so I need to get a job for that, and thus the vicious cycle begin - no job without plastic surgery, no plastic surgery without job.
Oh, cruel fate. And those temp jobs are out of my league with the recent graduate unemployment. Plus, Malaysia is a racist country, it’s pretty hard to get a job in a Chinese or Bumi company, and being the Indian version of a ‘banana’ - yellow/brown-in-my-case outside, white inside - the ever so rare Indian company with a job paying more than RM300 a year is off.
So RM2.50/hour it would seem, nevermind my take-home pay would be around RM1 to 75 sen an hour (tithes, public transportation, food). It’s better than nothing - perhaps I can go mamaking again.
We refer to your application for admission to the Nanyang Technological University in academic year 2006-07.
We have carefully considered your application. However, we regret to inform you that your application has not been successful. Admission to our undergraduate courses is highly selective in view of the large number of applications we received and the limited places that we can offer to foreign students.
We appreciate the time and effort you put in submitting your application. We thank you for your interest in our university and sincerely wish you every success in your pursuit for higher education.
Assoc Prof Loh Nee Lam
Dean of Admissions
Nanyang Technological University
NTU is the least selective of Singaporean universities. I’m not even waitlisted.
Every other Malaysian student with international qualifications that I know of have already been called for interview in Singapore at the Singapore Management University. So either I get rejected or I get waitlisted, admissions would be a wee bit unlikely at this juncture. And I guess the same applies to NUS and NTU.
Dissappointing really, though I probably would reject admissions because I can’t afford it, it still… dissappoints.
Maybe things are changing, for the past few weeks I have been catching myself checking out, you know, girls. Females. Ladies. Women. You know, the opposite gender. Perhaps I’ve always had that and just started noticing - the same past few weeks, I have been trying to stop checking out Martians. You know, men are from Mars, women don’t know - they couldn’t read the map to point it out.
I shared that at RLM yesterday and the coordinator claimed today she was blessed by it. But speaking of RLM, I don’t know, the whole vocab is getting on my nerves with the inventions of new words like “fetrosexual” (”metrosexual”, “fetrosexual” - geddit?), and “pro-gays” (people who live the gay lifestyle - the annoyingly wrong use for the prefix pro-) or the rampant stereotyping involved (I’m not metrosexual, I hate shopping, I could not look fashionable to save my life, I have *one* hair product (3-in-1 shampoo), *one* facial product and that’s only for my zits, I use disposable raxors, I like patterned boxers, I don’t match my accessories - if I wear any at all, I’m into rugby, my room looks ugly, I thought light blue, white and pinkish brown goes well, I get bored at most chick-flick movies, I would enjoy replays of any Rambo movie - the Fab 5 would be soooo displeased)
What annoys me the most is Edmund’s long talk at the first part of the meeting. For n00bs, its informative. For those who have been there for a few months and have been to a RLM Talk, it’s repetitive. But Edmund did say something that struck me - “don’t go to Singapore if you’re a recovering homosexual”.
That’s like a nail in the metaphorical coffin for me. My entire experience of applying to local university have been a downright frustrating one - like waiting 8 hours at immigration because the computer system was down, finding out my results and then finding out that the probability of me getting a scholarship is as likely as the French adopting English as their national language.
I would probably get accepted at Singapore’s universities *but* I have no idea how to pay for it. The tuition - after the 80% tuition grant subsidy - is doable but the cost of living isn’t. Especially now with limited passports abolished (as of last Friday), living in JB and commuting on SBS Bus 170 to Singapore daily would be an expensive affair (I would have to renew by passport every 4-6 months).
Which makes my decisions a whole lot easier: University of London External Program. I could do local universities, but Malaya University’s economics program is hard to get in and the rest are barely recognized within Malaysia itself, no less overseas for postgrad studies.
Plus, I can take out a loan on my studies from PTPTN - no interest so it is more like a deferred payment that decreases when you factor in inflation 3% “administration fee” - lower than the inflation rate, anyway. My father quit his old job effective last Saturday, it would be unfair demanding to go to Singapore.
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